It feels unsafe: Has the second series of Epistaxis Time come to a premature end? Yes, probably. This show wasn’t submitted with the usual accompaniment of feverish text and ingredient listings, and I am loath to supply bullet-pointed provisional song titles for fear of error. Conspiracy theories abound that our host was “pretending to die”, and was in fact recruited by Sainsbury’s secret Trolley Reclaimant Squad for his deep understanding of the Mandelbrot chaos that comprises local trolley displacement and the logic of it all. We don’t know.
You’re in for an anti-treat! This Epistaxis thrusts us into a beautiful plush environment of slurgles, polythene oysters bearing mucous pearls, a trolley quivering in an alleyway, crazed metal and meat agape. Feel loneliness.
Oil fat is mixed with Nivea Visage Q10 plus (the world’s favourite anti-wrinkle cream) bubbling wildly, then fed into EM coils which induce an electrified shopping basket to resonate and tease out standing waves within the grille to dispense their periodicity and sonic cum. This eventually caves in to a rather disorientating tale of one agoraphobe’s mental preparations to hurl a bit of toilet roll into a record store (full of socially adept twats and kunts).
Lovely soothing stuff, and especially encouraging if you’re a gentle person in a horrid testosteroney world (BTW, I implore you to bathe in oestrogenised sequins with purple daffodils) coming to terms with steel, glass, concrete, etc. Did I mention life is rubbish?
Now you’ve done it. This installment introduces us to the dot matrix guitar (”printar”) emanating dotty boss riffs and hot licks (literally: the print head gets hot enough to fry eggs on) which are played and amplified in your general direction, love. Subsequent misery ensues:
This episode contains a sob story, but more importantly: a celebrity interview(!), but I shan’t spoilt it by revealing too much. How refreshing! Here’s a mapping to guide you through this episode’s construct:
JJ and his Substrates - Submarining
Magazine reviews
It Seems So Right, It’s Wro-ho-ong - The Effeminate Xylophonists
Under a cloud of financial/general difficulties our host finds himself homeless, so woos us with his ’sonic portrait’ skills that showcase his potential as your personal in-house artist (if you grant him accommodation, that is). A marvellous gem from his music collection follows:
Sam Jones - Hero
An enthused reading of a poem entitled ‘Onion’ ends in… yes, you’ve guessed it: tears. Literally, in fact, as our host has an accident of the wet, lukewarm and gold variety.
Ron, Pamela and Betty in conjunction with the Whetstone Amateur Melodramatic Society - Neighbourhood Watchdogs
The joy of looking in bins
Dean - How Do You Make Money?
How Do You Make Money (instrumental ‘Employee of the Month’ remix)
Following the well-trodden path of saying “hello” on radio and suchlike, attempts are made to orientate the listener as fully as humanly possible. However, the introduction is stripped of all credibility and matter-of-factness, as the dialogue was recorded in anti-realtime from within a phase inverted superelectromagnetic space-chamber which interferes with one’s perception of time.
I have it on good authority that in spite of the embarrassing proclamations herein, his parents are still proud of him; mainly because of the anti-realtime time disruption facilitator thingybob, a difficult thing to build indeed.
A special episode of Epistaxis time, crafted to untertain popular iPod owining people. You get too much entertainment, so try to enjoy this if you can.
This episode beins with an exciting yet depressing techno number about alienation, arrest and imprisonment. Our host bakes and eats a pie containing miscelaneous prescription drugs.
