Archive Without Title

Epistaxis Time - The End

dan — Thu, 14 Sep 2006 11:50:32 +0000

It feels unsafe: Has the second series of Epistaxis Time come to a premature end? Yes, probably. This show wasn’t submitted with the usual accompaniment of feverish text and ingredient listings, and I am loath to supply bullet-pointed provisional song titles for fear of error. Conspiracy theories abound that our host was “pretending to die”, and was in fact recruited by Sainsbury’s secret Trolley Reclaimant Squad for his deep understanding of the Mandelbrot chaos that comprises local trolley displacement and the logic of it all. We don’t know.

Epistaxis Time - Slurgle

dan — Thu, 14 Sep 2006 11:47:22 +0000

You’re in for an anti-treat! This Epistaxis thrusts us into a beautiful plush environment of slurgles, polythene oysters bearing mucous pearls, a trolley quivering in an alleyway, crazed metal and meat agape. Feel loneliness.

Oil fat is mixed with Nivea Visage Q10 plus (the world’s favourite anti-wrinkle cream) bubbling wildly, then fed into EM coils which induce an electrified shopping basket to resonate and tease out standing waves within the grille to dispense their periodicity and sonic cum. This eventually caves in to a rather disorientating tale of one agoraphobe’s mental preparations to hurl a bit of toilet roll into a record store (full of socially adept twats and kunts).

Lovely soothing stuff, and especially encouraging if you’re a gentle person in a horrid testosteroney world (BTW, I implore you to bathe in oestrogenised sequins with purple daffodils) coming to terms with steel, glass, concrete, etc. Did I mention life is rubbish?

Epistaxis Time - Dot Matrix

dan — Thu, 14 Sep 2006 11:42:34 +0000

Now you’ve done it. This installment introduces us to the dot matrix guitar (”printar”) emanating dotty boss riffs and hot licks (literally: the print head gets hot enough to fry eggs on) which are played and amplified in your general direction, love. Subsequent misery ensues:

Phone Chr*s Or Die Trying
Mama was a Shapeshifter - Denny Clavicon
Summer Holiday - The Upset Bunch
Reality Often Blurs (I HATE LIFE)

Epistaxis Time: Boo-hoo, Review and Interview

dan — Fri, 21 Jul 2006 16:17:47 +0000

This episode contains a sob story, but more importantly: a celebrity interview(!), but I shan’t spoilt it by revealing too much. How refreshing! Here’s a mapping to guide you through this episode’s construct:

JJ and his Substrates - Submarining
Magazine reviews
It Seems So Right, It’s Wro-ho-ong - The Effeminate Xylophonists
Sludgemunchkin - Sludgemunchkin
Heimlich Manoeuvrability - Cindy’s Workout Tapes (No. 14)

Epistaxis Time: Sonic Portraiture

dan — Sat, 15 Jul 2006 11:34:56 +0000

Under a cloud of financial/general difficulties our host finds himself homeless, so woos us with his ’sonic portrait’ skills that showcase his potential as your personal in-house artist (if you grant him accommodation, that is). A marvellous gem from his music collection follows:

Sam Jones - Hero
An enthused reading of a poem entitled ‘Onion’ ends in… yes, you’ve guessed it: tears. Literally, in fact, as our host has an accident of the wet, lukewarm and gold variety.
Ron, Pamela and Betty in conjunction with the Whetstone Amateur Melodramatic Society - Neighbourhood Watchdogs
The joy of looking in bins
Dean - How Do You Make Money?
How Do You Make Money (instrumental ‘Employee of the Month’ remix)

Epistaxis Time: Candy Arse Lover

dan — Wed, 12 Jul 2006 10:51:41 +0000

Following the well-trodden path of saying “hello” on radio and suchlike, attempts are made to orientate the listener as fully as humanly possible. However, the introduction is stripped of all credibility and matter-of-factness, as the dialogue was recorded in anti-realtime from within a phase inverted superelectromagnetic space-chamber which interferes with one’s perception of time.

I have it on good authority that in spite of the embarrassing proclamations herein, his parents are still proud of him; mainly because of the anti-realtime time disruption facilitator thingybob, a difficult thing to build indeed.

Tracks proceed thusly:

Peter Grudzein - Candy Arse Lover
Followed by a short acoustical investigation.
The Jazz Punishment Directive - Dance like a Victim
Felicity’s Bean - Heavy Metal
Followed by an amusing anecdote
Admiral Messyface and his Bumchugging Jizz Quartet - Shropshire Examiner
A haiku couplet.
Abu Quitar-Martyr and the Funk Radicals - There She Goes (Fatwa)

Epistaxis Podcast Special

salimfadhley — Sun, 12 Feb 2006 04:39:02 +0000

A special episode of Epistaxis time, crafted to untertain popular iPod owining people. You get too much entertainment, so try to enjoy this if you can.

A depressing into.
I really want to die
To die on a Sunny Day

#64. The Final Epistaxis

sal — Wed, 28 Sep 2005 00:00:00 +0000

A confrontation with home-invading animal-rights activists provokes a homo-erotic monologue, and a series of uncomfortable confessions.

#63. A Story

sal — Wed, 21 Sep 2005 00:00:00 +0000

The penultimate episode of Epistaxis Time begins with a touching story of one man’s triumph in the face of adversity.

#62. Overdose Pie

sal — Wed, 14 Sep 2005 00:00:00 +0000

This episode beins with an exciting yet depressing techno number about alienation, arrest and imprisonment. Our host bakes and eats a pie containing miscelaneous prescription drugs.